Im negative

Im negative: For her, I pray.

For her, I pray.

I cried. I haven’t cried in a long while. I was so exhausted and everyday I get a front row seat to witness my best friend’s heart break and shatter. Her parent’s marriage is crumbling and I feel guilt, for I have caused fights. The love that’s absent has caused her to blame herself but, it’s not her fault. She’s the only one suffering, she’s the middle man. Although I think this might be some what of a relief for the tattered life she’s lived up until this point, she’s hurting. She doesnt want this to happen. But, what if she lives with her mom and all the stuff that’s bad now gets a whole lot better? I don’t know if there’s any truth to that considering I wouldn’t know what it’s like to hate a father. A father who will push you to the point of no more. To have a grown man stand over you yelling and screaming while you shrink yourself as small as possible all while tears fall and his voice grows louder. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had a father. it’s always just been my mother, my brother & I. My mother’s my support system, my best friend, my protector. Because I haven’t grown up in that atmosphere or ever experienced a thing of that sort, I don’t know how I can help her. I don’t know how to make things okay.

I don’t know how to help. Her heart can’t take much more. She’s a strong person but even the strong can only take so much. She’s withered as a flower would. Little sunlight and nuturing has withered her delicate leafs and beautiful blooms. She’s an incredible person but even the incredible cry. She cries and cries but when will anyone see her tears carry more than what is obvious? Her secrets, her guilt, her hunger, her pain. All in the form of a watery substance steming from the depth of her icy blue eyes. I don’t have much faith in the lord but for her, I pray. The need to believe that things will get better for my dear friend. For she deserves the best and all the world has ever presented her with was lacking from what she is worthy..

For anyone who noticed

Neglected for a whole week.. Miss me? You may not have even noticed. Such a terrible thing, not realizing that a beating heart and a breathing human being is pouring out the emotions locked inside to about 20 people who may or may not have noticed she was absent. News update; I got a job and I’ve not being sharing much of anything lately. Ive been getting myself into trouble and out of trouble. Emotions are going on and off. Things are changing so quickly that I can’t stay grounded. I’m filled with perpetual sorrow though. That may never change.. Sometimes I just wish I hadn’t made some of the decisions I considered as the best option in my past. Can’t fix something that’s always been broken .. Can’t fix someone who’s always been broken..they don’t know how else to be ..

MeMyself&I.

That’s all it’s ever really been. I’ve almost always been on my own. Because of this, I tend to get wrapped up in my own ideas. Stuck, constantly swirling in a tornado of my own thoughts. It’s awfully sickening to be that introverted. It also creates the difficulty relating to people of my own age. I have many obstacles that I face when trying to develop a friendship with an individual of a similar age. I feel as though I have many obstacles I shouldn’t have. I can’t control what has happened to me and things that I can’t control have some what scarred me, but I do not play victim. I may talk about myself and things relating to me so that I make connections with your life and develop the sense that I can relate, but that does not mean I’m not listening. I have met some terrible people that have a constant presence in my life, and I have met good people that walked out on me to soon. But, I think that for a while I need a break. I think distance will be a good thing. Forgive me, for saying but it makes sense to talk about me when you never want to talk about you. I don’t push an issue if it’s a sore spot. I will talk about myself to fill the void in the conversation, the void you created. For now, I think distance may be best.